The Underwear Run

After ten hours on a train and two and a half hours on a bus (three of them totally unnecessary), I'm finally here, holy crap.  So there was a bridge out in North Carolina because either some jackass ran over a guardrail, or there was a strike, I don't really know which, we had to get off of the train 2 hours away from Durham and hike onto a bus and wait there for a while.  The worst part of this was that before we got off the train we had to wait in there for another hour because the NEWS HAD TO SET UP.  This just all reinforces my hate for the mainstream media.  The news would rather get good ratings than inform people, as shown by every commercial for the news ever aired.  They never come out and say in those commercials "Here are five tips that could save your life, 12345" they come out and say "YOU COULD DIE AT ANY SECOND, DETAILS AT 11".  If the news did care about informing people, it wouldn't do that.  The news will keep people on a train for an hour repressing them MORE than absolutely necessary because it wants a 2-3 minute story and everything has to be perfect.  It was absolutely ridiculous.  Plus, if they had known about this since yesterday, they should have had time to organize, take it out of your time, not mine, I'm already 4 hours late.

Bitches.

Anyway, the train ride was okay regardless.  I got a big ass window seat and for most of the ride, two seats to myself, so I could just lie back and listen to Avenue Q while gazing out of the window for hours, laughing to myself like a moron.  And semi falling asleep on that little tray and then realizing where I was 10 minutes later when I wake up (and do that motion where you wake up somewhere uncomfortable and hurt yourself because you end up spazzing and hitting things (like trays (you know?))).  Mrs Simpson and Alyssa came to get me and we listened to Jay-Z on the way back to the house, getting lost a few times, but ah well we got there.  The second we pull in the driveway Patrick and James pull up behind us, and as soon as I get inside they cart us away to fucking Wendy's, where he has to drive up THREE TIMES because he can't remember four people's orders, so he has to write them down on a piece of paper, and the drive-through window keeps timing out because it takes so long.  I wanted to kill myself, I was in such disbelief on how insanely stereotypical this guy was.  Some black people were in the car in front of us and he said "Let's play some bluegrass music to piss 'em auff yee haw".  Okay, he didn't say yee-haw, but he might as well have.  And also, by the way, I don't think I will ever eat Wendy's again.  Their chicken nuggets make me want to induce vomiting immediately.  I might just swear off fast food anything besides Baja Fresh, which isn't really fast food, it's good food fast.  Yee haw.

I got back to Alyssa and talked to everybody for a while, Amy, Arin, Aaron, Alyssa, Chris, et cetera.  Got nice and reaquainted.  The Simpson's and the Rose's have gotta be my favorite families.  I like being at someone's house where their entire family knows me, not just the person I'm going over to see.  I think I flirted with Alyssa for a while, but she rejected my advances so after feeling especially downtrodden I fell asleep and woke up the next day at 2P, and no one yelled at me for sleeping late, because here everyone sleeps late, hell yeah.

Aaron came over, we went to the grocery store to get baking stuff, because I felt I should give back to the Simpson house in the form of pigs in a blanket and cupcakes.  Which were fucking great, by the way, because I can be a kick ass cook if I want to.  We milled around, for a bit, played Dream Phone, Alyssa won, that stone cold fox.  I was offered pot about 6 times but I refused to smoke it because it doesn't really have an effect on me so I didn't really see the point, plus I refuse strongly to start a habit of something that I don't need and that costs a great amount of money, plus is illegal, you know?  I wrote a long entry before that got erased because xanga was PMSing about my hatred of lushes and people who 'ohhhh my godddd got sooo drunkk and like....... passed out it was awesomeeee".  I refuse to drink in college, or to start smoking, or to do any of that.  PLUS, do you know how scary it is to get pulled over by a cop while everyone else in the car was smoking a bowl while driving?  And two people in the car have weed on them?  It's pretty fucking scary, I know because it happened YESTERDAY.  He pulled us over because Aaron left his turn signal on all down the highway, and was driving with his interior light on (which apparently they can pull you over for now?) and then he kept us for a while because he saw Amy put something away as soon as he pulled the car, blah blah blah, douchebag highway cop protocol, search in plain view.  The minute he approached that window I was immediately reminded of Supertroopers and had to resist thinking about it, because I wasn't going to be the one who started laughing as soon as he asked us if we had anything illegal in the car. 

Aaron was pretty lucky considering there were three girls in his car, because you know if it had been three guys, or three black people, he would have searched the shit out it.  Plus Amy and I were dressed up in Rocky Horror drab, so that might have helped a little O.o.  Anyway, he let us go because he didn't have probably cause to search the car, except for Amy putting something away, but I mean come on, she was just getting out a cigarette.  And now we have a story.  FIN.

Rocky Horror was fun.  I made us all sit in the front row, and they had the underwear run which I had never heard of before, and I heard lots of new AP lines, I just forgot them all because I have a horrible memory.  I didn't think it was fair that they have Rocky Horror EVERY WEEK though.  And we have it on holidays, maybe, if we're lucky.  They had all out props too, and everyone knew the AP lines and there didn't seem to be anyone donating new ones so it felt kind of routine.  But it was fun nonetheless.  Haha, there was one part of the movie where Frank looks out and sees a bunch of empty chairs, and I go "Columbine class reunion!" and Aaron and Alyssa look at me like I just slapped them in the face.  And they didn't throw toast!!  Blasphemy!!

We came back home, watched Nick Arcade!  Holy crap I loved that show.  And the prizes were Koosh Links and cassette players and the song goes DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO.  WAH WAH WAH!  Video Challenge!  And they smoked some more and then we watched Real Sex where they had a porn film festival, it was so bad.  Especially the one with the clown and the girl dressed up as a dog, what the fuck.  It was funny.  After that I crashed.  Now I'm awake and took a shower and am watching Aaron play World of Warcraft which I want.  And today we're going to Raleigh, again, to maybe get hair dye and go to an awesome Asian hibachi place and play DDR.  Sounds like a good day.

In every question there is a power that does not lie in the answer.

Currently Gaming Silent Hill 3 By Konami see related

"Haha, now I have all your first born children"
[pause]
"...All of them?"

So I wrote this nice long entry, it was a perfect mix of psychosomatitism, autism, syncopation, antidisestablishmentarianism, but of course it was not meant for this world (much like me + a drivers license April 6th, 2006), and so it is hereby replaced.  Also, html formatting is lyke, totally trick buggin yo so here be a link that be unsuperfunkyfresh. 

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=Church

Hey hey hey

It's basically something you click on and then you tell me my bad traits.  So it should be fun for everyone involved, right?  For real.

Anyway, I've been feeling significantly better.  I don't know why.  Maybe it was my unfamiliarity with going a FULL WEEK (Okay, there was the Whitney trip, but I still count it as a full week of not even contesting the fact I had to go) to school.  Also, the certainty that I am going to George Washington is a huge relief.  And I have some pretty good friends.

I couldn't make it to Hannah's thing today!  I really wanted to go but my mom wouldn't let me, and she hardly ever doesn't let me do things.  I feel bad because we never spend enough time together.

I think I've been reassured with the idea that everything will happen like it is supposed to.  I didn't get into Penn so I could go to GW.  And I didn't get my driver's license two times already because it's teaching me to suck it up, it's not the end of the world.  I lost my Tragic Kingdom CD 5 years ago so when I was reunited with one this past week I would cherish it even more than previously.  My dad lost his job before so now he makes so much more money than before, even if he isn't home that much.  I got eczema so I could go and have the doctor weigh myself, basically being the catalyst that's changed my eating habits.  I took regular physics instead of honors so I could meet Alyssa.  I've been blessed by something, or maybe nothing, I don't even know.  But my life has turned out the way I want it to right now.  I don't care that I don't have a date to prom, or a boyfriend, or exactly perfect grades, or shiny white teeth, or some great talent I need to share with the world, because tomorrow I'm going to a Franz Ferdinand concert with my great friends, and that's enough.  To have that one thing to look forward to makes all the difference.  And there's always something to look forward to.

We move for all mankind, a million miles from everything we've ever known
We're on their hearts and minds, a million heads are bowed to bring us safely home
Hemmed in by emptiness, a million ways that everything could be undone
This hollow in my chest is filled with reasons not to sing but I've found one, I know

We are not alone, we feel an unseen love
We are sons and heirs of grace,
We are children of a light that never dims
A love that never dies
Keep your chin up, child
And wipe the tears from your eyes

"No matter whats happening, things couldn't be any better, they couldn't be any worse, because that's the way things are, and you better get used to it."  - Church

Currently Listening Nil Lara By Nil Lara see related

Well, you do what you can do, that's all that you can do

Straight from my mother!  Those words, wow, you know I'm starting to think that if I want any helpful advice, I'll have to take my own advice and not listen to either of my parents advice.  See how these circular arguments work!

So just a basic upheaval of my happiness pretty much.  I don't know what happened to it but my mentality is absolutely shot, I can't remember anything, I looked into the mirror the other day and thought I was my brother for a full 3 seconds, I'm adressing things to people who aren't the people that I'm addressing, and if I see another insignificant email enter my inbox I'm going to go absolutely insane and just knock this shit down.

Is it really selfish to be unhappy?  Probably, since it's the opposite of the selfless people who do all the fantastic things for you that you don't really want them to do for you anyway.  I hate when people try to do these selfless acts for me, I don't need your martyrdom, I don't care that you have no idea who I am but you still want to be there for me, you mean nothing to me so go away because really all you're doing is subliminally placing yourself on this big pedestal way up above all the little people who just want to make themselves happy before they start working on other people's happiness.

Anyway, I'm just tired of all these useless comments and jestures.  Like my mom for example, I'm going to take my driver's test tomorrow.  "Oh, you'll pass" "Oh, you'll get into that college" "Oh, you'll do fine on the test".  What is it about people that they know these things?  Is it supposed to relieve my stress?  If you said, "Oh, you'll pass because I slept with your test instructor so you would", there's some kind of reality behind that, not just this notion of saying positive things you don't really know anything about.  And then when I explain that to people, they get offended because they were just trying to make me feel better and I take advantage of that.

I don't think that people need those worthless comments.  Those "awwwwws" and "I'm sorryyyyyyyys" don't mean anything.  That's not what people deserve, what they deserve is some honest concern (if you actually care about them) and some wordless exchange, and then people just want to be listened to.  Oh, if I had a dollar for everything I didn't say because my parents or friends or whatever weren't going to listen to me.  I'm afraid to say anything to my parents anymore.  Because whatever I say, it gets turned around so it's an insult on them.  And maybe it is.  But then again, maybe they deserve it, right? 

I told my mom in the car today not to give me any advice, because for one, she said I was doing fine already and two, that I listened to my driving instructor.  Then I said that she made me nervous last time because before I took the test she told me I was cutting it too late, so when I actually did take the test I cut it too early on her advice.  It was a perfectly justifiable situation, maybe what I wanted to happen was for her to say "oh, I didn't know that" or "I understand" but what I usually get is more of a "Fine, I won't talk to you, but I don't want you to blame me for anything".  God.

I've told her a million times that when I get angry the worst thing she can do is not let me talk or yell or scream what I really, really want to say or yell or scream and how if she let me do that it would get everything the hell off my chest, and maybe I need a goddamn outlet.  God.  She's never done that.  After telling her a million times!  Exactly what to do!  But when I keep bringing that up she acts like it isn't her fault, and maybe she's not the perfect mother but then again she doesn't know how to deal with this sort of thing because she's never had an emotional 17 year old daughter before.  Oh my god, thank you for sweet backwards justification that doesn't justify anything.  You do know how to deal with this sort of thing because I've told you how.  And God am I patient but as you know I have a very bad temper, so when you do things like confine my emotions I do things like almost get into accidents, twice, in ten minutes.

Alyssa's letter got here today, I sent her one today, which I wrote 2 days ago.

I'm angry at myself for wanting to go to GW.  How expensive it is.  But how happy I think I'll be there.  Is it really going to be worth it?  If I still don't find what I want to do.  All I have is this piece of paper.  Hundreds of hundreds of thousands of people have that paper too.  I'm not thinking about this realistically.  It's probably going to shape me more than get me a job.  I don't really care about getting a job right now anyway.  And, I think I am meant to go to GW.  I really want to.  But I feel selfish.  So expensive.

God, I don't want to take a shower or go upstairs but I don't want to stay here.  I don't want to watch Lost, I don't want to study, I don't want to keep listening to this music, it's John Cale and it's making me sad.  I want summer to be here.  So I can spend time with my Molly and Abby and Alyssa and kick back.  I want to not have to worry about scholarships and trivial things and petty arguments, driver's tests and parents and school, money and problems, selfishness and myself.